Why?

I seem to ask that question a lot lately. Always phrased differently, different context but i always ask why? with the occaasional how?. It's been an extremly long time since this blog has heard from me, and since then some of the most life changing things have happened. My home has gone through a lot of grief recently, and by that i mean the entire community. 2 students and 1 coach have died, and so has my great granmother Lura. Lizzie Murphy is dead. and i can't help but take some of the responsibility for that. no matter what anyone has said to me, especially any counselors. i spent a week in the hospital recovering from the accident that killed Lizzie, and well i feel like it was all my fault. she was driving me home after all. maybe if i hadnt gone to denver with them that night she wouldnt be dead now. why her and not me? i got thrown from the car, same as her. i didn't wear my seatbelt, same as her. why am i not dead? that's a question i will probably never have the answer to, no matter that it's one of the most important questions i have asked. I think that my guilt and sadness and all the bad feelings are getting worse every day since it happened. It's been 4 months and it feels like it happened last week. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i dont even care who reads this even though this is something too personal for me to post on the internet. ha. did i mention that for the last month and for the next 10 months i have been and will be in a foriegn country (argentina) away from all friends and all family. Its like i deliberatly make things harder for myself. Here's to my junior year, huh? and Lizzie's senior year, a girl whom i hope isn't resting in peace because that would be too boring to suit Lizzie at all. im sorry.

IDEK?? lol my life lately?

okayyyy so im a sophomore now and a lot has gone down since the last time i was here... lol so my absolute best friend moved to Denver so i barely see her!!! ahhh! lol and my other best friend has been home sick this entire year so far so yeah Friends=Fail. lol jk i have other friends like Grace and Molly and Sabrina, but still ugh. so yeahhh boy wise some shytt went down too HA. lol so first there was Vince... we are just friends now. then 2 other guys... hahah. Edwin of course lol wow way to cause dramathat really wasnt needed. So now this girl Kimm hates me?? hahaha it makes laugh a little bit *chuckles* BUT now im soooooooooooooo freaking happy to be with Erick =] he is a cutie, and yeah haha. Oh yeah and todayy was Make a Difference Day which i went to for S.O.S. again this year. It was actually a lot of fun! we went on a hike and me Dillon and Sabrina had a blast! omg ha! sooo much fun =] ohhh and i just cant wait for halloween!!! i might go to Denver and stay with Netasha! we have some amazing plans for that! YES! ha. Oh yeah and this is fairly important.......... MY 16TH BIRTHDAY IS IN 2 DAYS! who is excited? I AM! lol kayyyyy well unless im feeling ambitous or something?? i'll write again in a couple months =] HA i feel like there is more to write... oh well im always forgetting something =P

Pshhh!

well its been a long time since i have written in here, mostly its because i forget its here and partly because the stuff iwant to write about shouldnt be told to anyone. haha. Highschool has been completly different than middle school ever was. everything is really different. Sometimes i feel completly lost. Right now i dont feel lost, but i do feel exposed and confused. i cant really explain that without incriminating myself and 2 other people. only these 2 and me know about it. one other person might but i really hope not, that would be bad. actually its allready bad. one of the, no the stupidest thing i may have ever done. urgh. Oh well im going to stop worrying about it for now because there is nothing i can do about it now. Soooo anyways, this week was our second winter break. I went snowboarding a lot over break. Mostly with Netasha. Yesterday i went with Robin, then later i met up Netasha and Jesse, and we all went up on the hill then Jessse left to go somewhere else. Me and Netasha went on a couple runs then left. Jesse met up with us on the gondola. We hung out for maybe an hour? after that then we all went home or where ever. Netasha came over to my house and we painted my room. which was kinda fun. lol. Jeez i wrote a lot today. i filled up5 1/2 pages in a notebook. mostly about that bad thing i talked about earlier. i feel terrible about the whole situation... blehhh. today i havent really done anything but sit here on the computer and write. I've also beeen thinkin a lot today. About a lot of stuff that has happened in the last year... and recently. sometimes i wonder about why things happen. and sometimes i wonder why i dont take action like i should, i mean really? there are sooo many things that i could have made happen or that i could have stopped. I been in a really depresssed mood today, but for some reason this is the day i talk to people all day, and i had to try not to let anyone see how i was feeling. i need to become more sure of what i want because whenever i cant make up my mind it ruins something and i am just tired of it. I feel like crap todayy. :/ urgh i hate this feeling. i was soooo happy yesterday but last night changed that. completly. its just not worth it. i dont know if i ever want to talk to a certain someone ever again. everytime i do it causes some kind of drama or problem. not always right away but eventually they do. i hate it. i dont hate them, yet. but that could always chage so im just done with them. maybe then i will feel better. i hope so at least. soo todayy my mom finally got me some picture frames! i've been wanting some for a while now. I need some bigger ones though for my posters and stuff. im hoping the frames make it look better in my new room =] well that is all for now Bye Bye

hmmmm???? lol

wow. i forgot this existed! haha. but wow is a lot going on right now! or at least it feels like there is. haha maybe thats just cause i kno so much of everyone elses life. shopping this weekend! and snowboarding! haha. and possibly more. game on friday! i have new pants! P.E. is sooo easy right now! bball! wooohooo! lol. lunch sucks now tho! i hate eatin in the cafeteria! its so weird! im so freakin bruised right now! idk where most of them came from tho! like i have no idea how i bruised my hip but it hurts really bad to walk! and the worst part is for some reason you cant see my bruises so ppl think im makin it up! urghh! they really do hurt! my knees too. also my back is bruised? which is really weird. hmm? so much has happened since i last got on! haha and some of it is still going on. my friends are crazy. and ooh la la. ? maybe for me? idk wats going on with this guy! i wish he would just make up his mind! and i have a new math teacher half way through the year! he's way better than my other one. cept she let me skip class all the time and he wont. at least his class is less boring tho! and ya thats all. bye bye!! ♥

oops!

i forgot to say that its summer already and mckenzie was born like 2 weeks ago. im an aunt! im tired so bye now

WOW

i havent beeen on blogger in the longest time!!! and neither has anyone else i kno.... but yesterday i got back from a 3 day basketball camp at UNC!!! it was soo much fun!!! me, vollya and Alex were the only 3 freshman there butt thats ok we still had tons of fun!! ha ha.... im super tired now tho...................................................................................................................................................................ha ha ha ha ha

Blah!

ha ha im so bored!!! im writting this in humanities instead of writting my civil war newspaper!!! ha ha ha im so gonna fail this class!! how sad is that!!??? grrrr!!my fingernails are black!! my skirt is pink!! my tank top is brown! my flip flops are silver!! ha ha ha!! yesterdayi wore hot pink jean shorts!! they are amazing!! i got them in denver last weekend! ha ha ha ha ! i feeel way too hyper!! ahhh! ha ha ha!! spoo is lookin rite at me and doesnt know that im on the internet!! ha ha ha ha!! i love pink! oh yeah over the weekend i went to my sisters baby shower! i was the only person under 20 there... but it was ok cuz this baby named jaylin (sp?) and she was really cute!!! when i picked her up she gave me a big hug!! it was adorable!! after the baby shower me and my mom went to the mall and walked around til like 8 at nite then we went to pac sun an got my amazing pink shorts!! oh and we went to lunch at the panda express!! thats my favorite place to eat!! i love the orange chicken there!!! yay!! then me and my mom went home... the next day(sunday) was pretty boring except we went to the theater and saw the new star trek movie... it was pretty good. then monday i went to skool and that was boring. tuesday i went to skool again. we took the 8th grade picture during first period.. they took like 10 pictures... while we were all standing in a crowd caden grabbed my butt!!! grr!!! and now it is today! (wednesday!!)