Why?

I seem to ask that question a lot lately. Always phrased differently, different context but i always ask why? with the occaasional how?. It's been an extremly long time since this blog has heard from me, and since then some of the most life changing things have happened. My home has gone through a lot of grief recently, and by that i mean the entire community. 2 students and 1 coach have died, and so has my great granmother Lura. Lizzie Murphy is dead. and i can't help but take some of the responsibility for that. no matter what anyone has said to me, especially any counselors. i spent a week in the hospital recovering from the accident that killed Lizzie, and well i feel like it was all my fault. she was driving me home after all. maybe if i hadnt gone to denver with them that night she wouldnt be dead now. why her and not me? i got thrown from the car, same as her. i didn't wear my seatbelt, same as her. why am i not dead? that's a question i will probably never have the answer to, no matter that it's one of the most important questions i have asked. I think that my guilt and sadness and all the bad feelings are getting worse every day since it happened. It's been 4 months and it feels like it happened last week. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i dont even care who reads this even though this is something too personal for me to post on the internet. ha. did i mention that for the last month and for the next 10 months i have been and will be in a foriegn country (argentina) away from all friends and all family. Its like i deliberatly make things harder for myself. Here's to my junior year, huh? and Lizzie's senior year, a girl whom i hope isn't resting in peace because that would be too boring to suit Lizzie at all. im sorry.